I bend my head in prayer and weariness and sadness pour out my dirty heart like water. “Lord, you know how done I am, and how much I have botched things today and all the sins I have spewed and how little I have walked in Your Spirit.” I sigh, resting heavy head in hands.
“Please God, somehow don’t let my family & beloveds get confused about who You are by how I’ve sinned and muddled today with frustration that was of the flesh. I’ve fallen today and hurt hearts. Somehow, God, even in the midst of my mess, let them see You here in this place.” This place in my chest hurts, burns up my throat. So much has been going on, the grief and tthe highest stress ever within my life ~ and I can't control it, I can't subside it ... help, dear Lord!
“I repent, Lord. Oh, God, somehow be here. Amen.”
It’s a stripped-bare prayer, naked talk from a scratched heart. Have I ever prayed or am I begging for relief from the only source I can think of? And exactly what am I wanting relief from ... LIFE ~ no! from PAIN ~ possibly (yet, I know others have it far worse than I). Lord, I'm a mess & even whining now!
And in the moment more bills erupt, fear engulfs ... and I tremble. Why? am I not being faithful to trust? Scripture floods my mind .. I know that I know ... and still massed with "how will this work?"
Sleep is restless and interrupted like never before. Lord, what is happening that I can't rest? I know You and You alone are in control .. and I feel afloat in the turbulent ocean ~ searching for land to dock for awhile.
Lord, that I would know what your perfect will is .. to be obedient and serving for You is my hearts desire ...and I haven't a clue what You'd have me to do. Am I really doing nothing ~ no thing?!! What legacy am I living to leave behind. I know I'm tired .. whining again?!
“God, come near ... be here!”
I am here. I am here.
Yes, even here.
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